


Colorless

by spinsters_grave



Series: Voltron Angst Week 2k17 [7]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressive Episode, Dissociation, Gen, Voltron Angst Week 2k17 has come to an end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 13:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10720641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinsters_grave/pseuds/spinsters_grave
Summary: Alt Title: The UnimaginableThe universe isn’t big enough to describe what he was feeling.





	Colorless

Shiro used to know his purpose out there in the stars. He was an ace pilot, the chosen one to venture the galaxy. He was meant to explore, to protect, to discover.

 

All of a sudden, he was meant to survive. Shiro couldn’t lend himself to think too hard about what else he wanted, needed to do- Protect. Get back home. Survive. Live. 

 

Every battle leaves you with scars, and Shiro had his own. Some were physical, and they lent themselves to a physical hurt. Each a small reminder, a small story. There were so many that Shiro got them mixed up. Everytime he realized, it hurt a little more.

 

Other scars weren’t so obvious. They showed themselves when Shiro kept glancing behind him, when the harsh clang of a door (less common in the Castle of Lions) echoed through his brain. He hated his little ticks, but he couldn’t (didn’t) get rid of them.

 

Then Shiro’s purpose was to protect again, the whole universe this time. To defend. To cherish his moments. To be with four other beings, to form a gigantic soldier together and halt the forces of evil.

 

A whole universe is a lot to protect. Shiro was just a broken man- torn apart and sewn back together. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lead, he couldn’t protect. Look what happened the last time he tried to  _ protect  _ something.

 

Besides, it wasn’t really worth it. Did they honestly expect themselves to win? Against a ten thousand year old empire, spanning countless galaxies, with untold legions of mindless soldiers, with magic? 

 

Distantly, he heard Lance say, “Shiro? What should we do? Shiro?”

 

Right. They were fighting. Shiro reached out to his lion, trying to at least see through her eyes. She hesitated for half a second- if Shiro had been any other man, if it had been two years ago, he would have missed it.

 

Galra drones rushed past his lion. Shiro saw it all happen, but- almost like a sheer curtain fell over the scene. Like it was all on a movie screen. Like it wasn’t actually happening.

 

“Shiro?” Lance asked, worry carving deep into his voice.

 

Right. “Right,” Shiro said. “I need Hunk and Lance to fend off the right flank. Pidge and Keith need to be on offense. I’ll attack the main ship.”

 

“Shiro?” Keith asked, because that wasn’t what they usually did. Keith knew Shiro better than Shiro knew himself. It was a little unnerving, but at least Keith knew when something was up.

 

“Just do it,” Shiro said, done.

 

The black lion flew on autopilot. Shiro took his hands off the controls, even, and his lion did everything she needed to. 

 

Shiro bit back a sigh and laid his hands back on the controls. His body knew what to do, and it worked with the Black Lion. 

 

_ My paladin, _ she grumbled.  _ Focus. _

 

_ I’m trying,  _ Shiro said back to her.  _ It’s not worth it. _

 

_ Every battle is worth it, _ Black said.  _ I need you to focus. _

 

Shiro didn’t deign to reply. 

 

The Black Lion swerved against an incoming blast when Shiro’s hands didn’t move at all.  _ Paladin! _

 

Shiro was a little lost in his head. He was broken and he wasn’t going to be fixed any time soon.

 

Chatter faded in and out over the radio. He could hear Lance and Hunk nattering at each other, and Pidge throwing her sarcastic comments in. Keith was practically silent, only dealing out warnings when he needed to.

 

_ Paladin, _ the Black Lion said. She paused for a second.  _ Shiro? _

 

“Yeah,” Shiro whispered, not entirely there.  _ Yeah?  _ he asked in his mind.

 

_ There you are, _ the Black Lion said. Shiro almost thought she sounded worried.  _ Don’t disappear like that again. _

 

Shiro sent a vague confirmation to her. He put effort into the battle, though it wasn’t- Shiro didn’t know. Wasn’t worth it.

 

The battle ended. He heard joyous confirmations, and he said one or two himself. General abundance of happiness.

 

“I’ll catch up,” Shiro heard himself say. “Go to the Castle without me.”

 

He heard Keith take a sudden breath, like he was about to speak. The others filled the comms with chatter like “okay,” “go ahead,” “meet you there,” and Shiro still heard Keith’s breath catch. He didn’t say anything other than a dismissive “’kay.” Shiro was almost disappointed.

 

He watched the Black Lion watch her team float back to home base. 

 

_ We need to talk,  _ she said.

 

Shiro winced.  _ Yeah, okay, we need to talk. But we can talk later. _

 

His lion hesitated.  _ Very well,  _ she said,  _ but I do wish to talk with you. _

 

_ Yeah, _ Shiro said, because he couldn’t say anything else.

 

He floated in place for a while, considering the Castle of Lions. Then he turned the Black Lion around and went to cruise along.  _ I’d go out cruising, but I’ve no place to go, and all night to get there.  _

 

Shiro wandered aimlessly for a while, lost in his thoughts. He saw many beautiful things. Nebula clouds, a star expanding and changing colors before his eyes. Ice crystals formed at the corner of his windshield- did it have a different name in space, where there was no wind to shield from? 

 

Several light years away, Shiro saw the death of a star. He wondered when Earth would get to see it. He wondered how many of the stars he saw out there were seen on Earth, or how many stars out there had died already.

 

Yes, yes, dying stars. Death and dying. Over and done. An easy way out. An overdone trope.

 

Shiro concentrated on something else. He was the culmination of the paladins of Voltron. He was the head, the spear point of the ultimate weapon of the universe.

 

He tried to be. He couldn’t bring himself to be. It was all too hard, and Shiro was all too done. Tired. Exhausted. Depleted. He didn’t know the word. 

 

Shiro concentrated on the purple place. The place where he could hold the universe in the palm of his hand. Maybe that would help him get his head in gear. A place where he was just himself. 

 

He opened his eyes.  _ Black, _ he implied.

 

No answer. Shiro had the sense she turned her back on him. 

 

_ Black?  _ he asked.  _ You wanted to talk. _

 

She reluctantly turned back to him.  _ All battles are worth it,  _ she said.  _ Why- what’s the matter, Shiro. _

 

It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t a statement, either. Shiro didn’t know how to treat it. 

 

_ I- I don’t know.  _ It was the truth. He was tired, and- spacey, but that was a poor pun. And it wasn’t funny, not right now, not under these circumstances.

 

Shiro ran a hand through his hair. He tugged at his little tuft, trying to see if black roots were coming in. 

 

_ I need paladins who are self-confident,  _ Black said. Shiro didn’t think she got it, not quite.  _ Determined.  _

 

Shiro said,  _ Like Zarkon? _

 

There was a thick, solid moment, full of sorrow and regret.  _ Not anymore,  _ Black said,  _ not- I don’t know.  _

 

_ Yeah,  _ Shiro said,  _ I understand. _

 

He hovered there. He didn’t know for how long. He could feel the Black Lion in the back of his mind, allowing him a moment by himself. 

 

It was a little odd- Shiro didn’t know how much of himself his lion was ingrained in until she was gone. He almost missed her.

 

Shiro saw the stars- really  _ saw  _ them. They were surrounded by an endless black, dark matter and everything else the universe had to offer. Fighting for their lives. He was far enough away from everything that he could just take it all in. It was stunning.

 

He tried for the purple place- the astral plane- one more time. His eyes slipped closed, but Shiro didn’t notice. He didn’t know how long he sat there. It was a long time. 

 

Shiro opened his eyes again. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he was hoping for the purple place. The good place, the home place, the knowing place, the Black Lion’s place.

 

But all there was, was colorless space. 

 

END

**Author's Note:**

> This totally isn't a day late what are you talking about
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this! I've loved writing this and using these prompts to further my writing skills. Comments, kudos, and any kind of feedback is appreciated! Thanks again!


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